A moustache is a facial statement that reeks of style, individuality and, in some unfortunate cases, soup. When you grow a moustache you’re not just covering a prominent overbite or bluffing the fact that you can’t afford razor blades, you are making a very public statement about the kind of man you are. As such, it pays to choose wisely. Below is our guide to the common moustache styles and their hidden meanings.
The Chevron
Like hamburgers, muscle cars and pneumatic cheerleaders drunk on Budweiser, the Chevron is an all-American classic. Grown long to cover the top border of the upper lip, this no-nonsense face wedge is worn thick and wide. The perfect compliment to a medallion-adorned barrel chest and diver’s watch the size of a dustbin lid, the Chevron doesn’t take bullshit from anyone. The Chevron-wearer tells it as he sees it and, yes, he is the kind of man who knows how to handle a woman – which is just like a five iron.
The Pencil
Sometimes known as the moth brow, the Pencil is worn narrow and straight and is styled as if drawn on by a pencil. Closely clipped, it creates a mere accent on the upper lip, leaving a scandalously wide shaven gap between the nose and moustache. Widely recognised as the moustache of choice for drug lords, effeminate assassins and ageing tango instructors claiming Jobseeker’s Allowance, the Pencil spells out that the wearer has murderous intent – even if it’s only on the dance floor.
The Walrus
Delivering exactly what it says on the tin, the Walrus is characterised by a thick, bushy growth of long whiskers that droop over the mouth to give the wearer the appearance of a docile walrus. Once thought to promote good health by shielding the mouth from germs and particles, this monstrous crumb-catcher has proved remarkably popular with philosophers, empire-builders and statesmen over the years – proving once and for all that if something is worth doing, it’s worth doing on a massive scale. The Walrus-wearer has an uncontrollable appetite for life to match his uncontrollable appetite for facial hair, which is why you’ll find Walrus moustaches littering the faces of great men in history, from Mark Twain to Count Otto Von Bismark.
The Mexican
Sometimes known as the ‘Pancho Villa’ after the crazed Mexican revolutionary of the same name, this monster soup-strainer is worn big, bold and bushy. It’s an unruly growth of hair beginning from the middle of the upper lip and pulled roughly to the sides to provide just enough space to insert the neck of a Tequila bottle. The Mexican is a two-statement moustache. The first of those statements is ‘I don’t own a pair of scissors’; the second is ‘I’m going to raze your village to the ground’. Accessorise this baby with a two day growth of stubble on the chin.
The Horseshoe
Designed for the real man, the Horseshoe is a full moustache with vertical extensions grown down the sides of the mouth to the jaw line to resemble an upside-down U. The whiskers running along the sides of the mouth are sometimes referred to as the ‘pipes’. The Horseshoe says a million different things about the wearer and all of them are bad. A perennial favourite of convicts, bikers and off-duty special forces operatives the world over, wearing this moustache makes it clear you’re the kind of man who likes to settle his problems with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a broken pool cue.
The Handlebar
A classic Handlebar moustache can be worn large or small (the ‘Petit Handlebar’). It is grown bushy and long enough to curl the ends skyward with the aid of styling wax to resemble a set of fruity bicycle handlebars. The Handlebar moustache combines dignity, sophistication and an air of flamboyant rebellion with a set of easy-to-grasp and-twiddle ends for use while announcing evil plans. It’s no surprise that this classic tash is beloved of eccentrics the world over. So if you’re cloning an army of gas-powered super soldiers in an underground laboratory or simply creating a OO gauge replica of the Flying Scotsman in your garden shed, the Handlebar is for you.
The English
The sun may have set on the British Empire but the moustache that built it lives on. The English is a narrow, divided moustache that begins at the middle of the upper lip with its long whiskers pulled to either side of the centre, and it reeks of blue-blooded class. The areas beyond the corners of the mouth are typically shaved because you’re a cad, you’re a bounder and you probably fly to work in a Spitfire. The English tells the world you inherited this moustache from your father (along with his 400-acre farm in Gloucestershire and his flatulent, ageing Labrador), and by God you look good in it.
The Toothbrush
The Toothbrush moustache has a baffling variety of names: the Charlie Chaplin, the 1/3, the Philtrum, the Postage Stamp or the Soul Moustache. It is a thick growth shaved to be about an inch wide and worn in the centre of the lip. The style is said to have originated in 1920s Germany, as working-class men responded to the flamboyant moustaches of the upper classes with a new brand of clipped, focused lip wear. Unfortunately, one of those working-class men was Adolf Hitler and the moustache – like the Third Reich – would become deeply unpopular after 1945. Nowadays this practical, minimalist tash is not for the faint-hearted. Sported solely by African dictators, psychotic eighties’ synth players and those looking to pick a fight at a Girl Guides’ tea party, it’s best left to the professionals.
Fu Manchu
For centuries a closely guarded secret of the mysterious court of the Chinese emperors, it took an exploitative and wildly racist 1923 movie to bring the Fu Manchu to prominence in the west. This infamous moustache is worn thin and straight. Grown downwards past the lips, it extends towards tapered ends which hang low to complete far below the chin. This tash differs from the Horseshoe in its evil elegance and – as it is only grown from the upper lip – because its sides remain enigmatically shaved. The Fu Manchu is an outward expression of a deviant intelligence bent on world domination and the control of men’s minds through bribery, sorcery and lingering inscrutable stares. As such, The Fu Manchu is easier to carry off in a vastly ornate imperial palace or smoky Shanghai opium den than while fighting for a seat on a crowded commuter train into Charing Cross.
The Dali
Salvador Dali lived his life as art, so it was no surprise that his extraordinary facial statement was subsequently named after him. The Dali is more a piece of art than a moustache. Strictly it should be created only from narrow points of hair originating on the lower lip, which are bent or curved steeply upwards on either side of the nose while leaving all other areas around the mouth shaved. Artificial styling aids are a must to defy both gravity and the shackles of convention. This style was just the tip of the iceberg for Dali, and the great Catalan artist even published a book of variations featuring the moustache customised with flowers, horns and bows. The wearer becomes the artist in the creation of a Dali – which is just as well, as a tub of styling wax is around £150,000 cheaper than one of Dali’s paintings.
Chris Martin is the author of A Gentleman's Guide to Beard and Moustache Management, Greenwich Mean Time, Celebrity Tattoos and the Golf Companion, as well as Has Britain Gone Bonkers. He has two children, two cats and has enjoyed an on-off relationship with the Goatee for over twenty years.
